Foolish Cat February 26th, 2008

Watching this year’s Oscars was a little like listening to a friend tell a story about another friend that you don’t know. Objectively, the story might be mildly amusing or interesting, but without any real attachment to the affected person, you don’t really care.

I didn’t see one movie that was nominated in any category. Not one. And it wasn’t like every movie was a heavy, three hour, foreign-type flick. “Sweeney Todd”, “The Bourne Ultimatum”, and “Ratatouille”, for example, were all pretty mainstream movies that the Academy recognized in at least one category. I saw nothing.

And the thing is, I’m a bit of a movie geek. Not to the extent that I think the greatest movie ever made is some Hungarian film from the ’50’s, and I don’t have a statue of Stanley Kubrick on my front lawn, but I do like movies that are different and thoughtful and artsy and all that. And I didn’t see one film.

But this is no commentary on Hollywood or the writer’s strike or anything like that - it’s my life.

You see, the thing about kids is - besides being dirty and loud and demanding - they take up all of your time! Actually, that needs to be qualified: they take up all of your free time outside of your house. That’s a very important distinction because the other thing about kids, thank God, is that they do sleep. So you can watch plenty of movies in your living room. And if your living room is in a movie theater - perfect! Mine isn’t.

And on those rare nights where you get your parents to watch the kids, or you can actually find a babysitter who you don’t envision selling your kids to a demonic cult, are you going to chance a movie? The fact is: most movies suck. Even if you like the actors or the subject matter, it’s 50-50 at best that it will be worth two hours and $20-$30. Dinner is so much safer. You have some control over the menu, where you want to sit; if someone’s talking a bit too loud, it won’t ruin the whole experience. And if it’s a real culinary disaster, you even have some recourse to request a discount or free meal. And you can always punish the service with the tip. Good luck getting a refund if your movie blows (and I don’t want to hear about dinner and a movie - that’s goofy talk).

In college I would go to movies that started after midnight, and then go get something to eat afterwards! What? Who was that? I can barely stay up past midnight now with a nap and two cups of coffee in the evening. And I’m only in my thirties!

Here’s the point: As much inspiration and love as your own children give you - and unless you have them there are no words to explain the magnitude of these emotions - they also suck you dry of what one might call luxury moments. It’s as if nature says, “I’ll give you enough reserve to go to work, take care of your kids, maybe water the plants and do a little housework, and maybe - just maybe - fool around with your spouse a couple times a month. And that’s it!”

Curse you nature.

To paraphrase Matthew Lillard’s character in Edward Burns’ movie “The Groomsmen”, “When you have one kid, your life changes a little. When you have two kids, your life is over…You have no more free time. But what’s so great about free time? Free time is overrated.”

And maybe that’s right - maybe free time is overrated. I mean, if we really valued free time as an opportunity to enrich our lives and suck the juices from the universe, would anyone have kids? Probably not as many. Bad movies, therefore, may be a force of procreation. I’m sure countless people - and I have no raw numbers to support this - went to see Norbit, maybe picked up a sub afterwards, decided this is no way to spend an evening, and said to themselves, “I’ve got way too much free time on my hands”.

Actually, you do. But you sure will miss it when it’s gone.

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