Foolish Cat January 8th, 2008

The true spirit of Blundering Fools is to celebrate those that move beyond their zone of comfort into unchartered, potentially hazardous territory. It is the blundering of “fools” that makes humanity so diverse and interesting. Watch a herd of cattle grazing in a field and a group of people eating in a Bob Evans on Saturday morning and tell me what makes you laugh more.

For years, us common folk have snickered and gaped at the enormity of egos that must inhabit rock stars to make them believe that they are capable of bringing anything of quality to the big screen. Only someone as vain as Eminem or 50 Cent could believe this, right? But in fairness, we must recognize the blackness below that they all ignore in their mission to walk higher and higher on what Adam Duritz calls “the tightrope of fortune and fame”.

Today is Elvis’ birthday, and perhaps no one believed in the limitlessness of his talent more than he. His movies are legendarily bad and, today, can only be watched in sideshow fashion. But there is an innocence to Elvis movies that causes those who lived through them to look back with a grin of nostalgia, and the rest of us to sort of shake our heads with a smile of incomprehension the way we do at most of what floated our parents’ boats.

But times have changed. The blundering fools that succeeded have risen the bar. It is no longer enough just to “be in a movie” because people like your music or think you’re hot. That ended in 1984 with Purple Rain . At ten to fifteen dollars a pop, you better bring it.

These artists (not named Elvis) do not bring it.

ICE-T: Okay, admittedly I haven’t even seen an Ice-T Movie since 1994, and I suppose he could have improved dramatically in the 50 other movies he’s made since then. But Leprechaun in the Hood and Frezno Smooth aside, he’s horrible. Look, Ice-T introduced many of us to Gangsta Rap, and the album Power should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as far as I’m concernced; but the street smart, pissed off style he displays in every movie is not acting - it’s his personality. And I don’t want to hear how great he was in New Jack City; I love New Jack City as much as the next person, but come on, when you’re acting next to Judd Nelson you’re automatically gonna look a little better than you really are.

Mariah Carey: Don’t ever let anyone tell you different: Glitter is THAT bad. So it may not even be that Mariah deserves to be on this list, but when the movie you’re staring in is as poorly scripted and cliched as this one, it’s hard to differentiate between movie and actress and, quite honestly, no effort should be put forth to do so (see: Gigli).

Snoop Dogg: Snoop is funny, and he has a way of making it look like he’s acting badly on purpose, but there’s a tension that creeps up my spine when he comes on screen that makes me think he won’t be able to get his lines out without erupting in an exhalation of smoke and laughter. Watch his new reality show and tell me if you see any difference between that Snoop and the immortal “Captain Mack” in Soul Plane.

Vanilla Ice: I don’t mean to pick on rappers (and most would say with this example I’m not!), but Vanilla simply cannot be left off this list. Cool as Ice makes From Justin to Kelly look like The Godfather. It’s one of those movies that’s so bad it’s worth seeing just to refresh yourself with what is included in the full spectrum of cinematic releases. And to see ‘Nilla’s hair. What makes Mr. Van Winkle so bad is that he was given a script in which he had to act! This isn’t Eminem or 50 just telling their stories, there’s like villains and little kids and Romeo and Juliet stuff. It’s simply fantastic! Not to be missed.

Madonna: She is perhaps the closest thing that this generation has to Elvis in terms of pure stardom, longevity, and acting ability, but the mention of her theatrical disasters usually go only as far as Who’s That Girl and Shanghai Surprise. But we shouldn’t deny her the magic of her other creations (and please spare me Evita). Most recently Swept Away, which you need see only minutes of to get the effect and understand why we haven’t heard from Guy Ritchie in 5 years. And let us not forget such masterpieces as her role as Verity in Die Another Day, The Next Best Thing, and, in my opinion her crowning achievement, Body of Evidence, a Basic Instinct rip-off that is one of the very bad movies of the 90’s (not like, Cool as Ice bad, but pretty bad).

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